7 Ways to Know if You're Being Used

Fight for reciprocity & don't become jaded in the pursuit of loving people well.

I often write about grace, generosity, and loving people abundantly. Seldom do I talk about the hard lessons I’ve learned along the way. Maybe even more important: how to not become jaded.

Longer Table Living is humbling.

It is turning the other cheek when you want to strike back. It is being betrayed and not seeking vengeance. It is more messy and complex than it is pretty and Instagram-worthy.

Longer Table Living is hard. In so many ways, it goes against my natural human tendencies.

I hear from people all of the time,“It doesn’t make sense…”

It doesn’t make sense that you’d forgive and allow him back into your life.

Why would you want to be friends with someone who believes that?

How can you be certain they’ll pay you back?

Do you even know if they’re telling the truth?

What’s the point in bringing her back into your care?

To all of the questions that have come up throughout the years—I agree. It doesn’t make sense. Longer Table Living goes against logic a lot of the time.

And it’s why I’ve been burned. My kindness has been taken advantage of. My grace has not been reciprocated. I’ve been treated like a punching bag. Unfortunately, I’ve been used.

What I know for sure:

• There is no fool-proof way to prevent being taken advantage of. Unless you live under a rock and never interact with anyone ever again.

• Despite how much it hurts when you realize someone was using you, it says more about them than about you. I feel sad for those who don’t have authentic, true relationships.

• Our generous efforts are never wasted. Because they aren’t about the end result or whether it was truly needed, they’re about our hearts willingness to sacrifice.

So, how can we navigate Longer Table Living —this radical way of living and doing life amongst other humans— with healthy measures of protecting ourselves and those we love?

Here’s 7 ways:

1. Pay attention to people who think they are the only ones with needs and urgency in their life. Even if a person has less than you (financially, resources, etc.) they still need to recognize that you also have a life with needs and can’t drop things on a dime for them.

2. Don’t repeatedly jump to assist someone when they continue getting themselves back in the same position over and over again. That’s enabling. Sometimes people need to experience worse before they choose to get better.

3. Stop trying to fix or save another person. It will only exhaust you and cause the relationship to be more unhealthy.

4. Take note if a person only talks to you or comes around when they want something. This is a sign you’re being used.

5. If a gift comes with strings attached, it’s not a gift. You can refuse these types of “gifts.”

6. Notice when someone expects things from you. Whether it be giving them a ride, paying for the meal, dropping your plans for them at a moment’s notice, etc. That's entitlement. Just because you have it, does not mean you have to share/give it.

7. Ask yourself what you’re getting from the relationship. If it’s all give and no take, consider this a red flag.

Relationships are meant to have reciprocity.

If you feel a relationship is entirely one-sided, it’s time to have a grown up conversation and establish some better boundaries. Otherwise, you will end up burnt out and jaded.

This is one area I’m particularly sensitive about as we stepped back into actively fostering. Whether it be with the caseworkers, social workers, biological parents of the kids in our care (anyone really), I am cautiously being my kind and generous self.

One very tangible way this looks different...

Take today for example. I refused* to rearrange my entire day with a 15-minute notice that someone needed a ride. Occasionally, I could swing it, but on full days of podcasting and writing— it’s not going to happen. Just because I’m self-employed doesn’t mean I don’t have to work. In fact, it probably means I have to work harder because no steady paycheck is coming in regardless of my hours or deliverables. This doesn’t make me mean or selfish. I’m a human who has needs and work deadlines and a life that cannot should not revolve around any one person.

*I simply said, “I can’t swing it with my schedule today. Please feel free to ask again next time.”

I would hate to throw in the towel on this lifestyle or become resentful towards people simply because I overextended myself and/or allowed people to take advantage of me. I would hate it for you too. Let’s navigate the wonky parts of loving people well with grace and with honesty. They’re worth it. We’re worth it.

Love & Cookies,

Manda