"I don't understand your stupid beliefs"

Replacing that line with a better one to bring peace & productivity to political conversations.

On Monday I felt a combination of defeated, anxious, sad, angry, frustrated… even somewhat numb. I won’t offer empty platitudes— only solidarity. The Nashville school shooting was our nation’s 129th mass shooting in 2023.

I believe in the power of prayer, but I know prayer alone isn’t going to stop these mass shootings from continuing. I wholeheartedly believe a combination of stricter gun laws, banning assault rifles entirely, improving accessibility to mental health services, and more will help prevent these tragedies. I don’t believe it’s just one solution, but I have a difficult time understanding why anyone would push back against stricter gun laws…

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt strongly about something (LOL. read: racism, homelessness, police brutality, abortion, etc.) where people I’m friends with and many who are part of my family do not see things the way I do. We have our own perspectives, beliefs, and opinions. We all are so darn certain that we know best and that our solutions are the right ones.

While I haven’t said the words, “I don’t understand your stupid beliefs” aloud, I’m sure my face and other remarks have communicated it. This is where the majority of people respond, “So what?” But for myself and anyone who is doing their best to follow Jesus, we are compelled to a radical way of living. This is where the whole “love God, and love your neighbor” commandment comes into play. And it’s a necessary, often frustrating, ingredient to longer table living.

I’ve started replacing that thought (“I don't understand your stupid beliefs”) with a new one: “I think we want the same thing, but see different paths to getting there.”

Is it ALWAYS true— that we want the same thing? No. Sometimes we don’t want the same thing, sadly. But I’ve found that in MOST cases, when we get to the bottom of it… we do.

• We want to see everyone have a place to call home.

• We want fewer people to die at the hands of police brutality.

• We want fewer unwanted pregnancies and therefore fewer abortions.

And we want to live in world where we can send our children to school and go to the movie theater, the mall, the grocery store (any public place) and not fear that we’ll be shot to death.

For a variety of complex reasons, we don’t always believe the same strategies, laws, or systematic changes will get us the desired outcome.

But here’s what I know: we’re living in increasingly more polarizing times and arguing with strangers on the internet, cancelling brands, and cutting out people we love also isn’t helping any of us get to these desired outcomes.

Just two days ago, I was in a heated conversation about gun control with someone I love and I tested my theory. Instead of replying with statistics, research and more to prove I’m right and they are wrong, I said: “You know what? I don’t think we’re getting anywhere. But I think we actually want the same thing — for fewer mass shootings to occur — can we agree on that? I think we see different paths to getting there. Do you think we could consider that maybe there’s room for both of our ideas to be right? Do you see any harm in advocating for them both? What’s the harm in trying?”

Immediately this change in my approach turned the heat down to a simmer as we remembered our common ground: we’re both human beings with big hearts who don’t want evil to win in this world.

Did it immediately solve all of our problems and magically get them to see things the way I do? No. (I wish!) But it really did bring peace and productivity to a conversation that was full of tension going no where.

I’m tired of relationships ending, experiencing more division, and watching tables grow smaller (and become echo chambers) when it still doesn’t create any real, lasting systemic change. Are you?

Do you want to be a person who creates longer tables and is able to bear witness to people’s minds being changed over time? Then please — I’m begging you — try a different approach. Maybe even steal my line. Couldn’t hurt, right?

Love & Waffles,

Manda

In the comments below, please share your best tips for having productive conversations and bringing unity to places of division. I want to learn from you!

PS. Looking to take action?

Check out this short list I sent my paying subscribers on Monday:

1. Moms Demand Action Resources — the more you know, the more you can advocate. Also, if anyone can change the world it’s going to be a bunch of moms, #amiright?

2. This helped me remember that sometimes the best thing I can do is to log-off social media — not from a place of avoidance or ignorance but because I need to be a present, loving mother when I pick up my son from daycare and I can’t do that if I’m consumed by the media and/or crafting the best response.

3. Speaking of responding to tragedies, this article really helped me consider my role as someone with an audience, who is also a human being, who doesn’t know everything.

4. Doing nothing is no longer an option — which is also the title of a great book on ending racism. Take a moment to sign petitions and text ACT to 644-33 to take action on gun violence.