Mom Friends
Supporting them, finding them, needing them & more!
This Tuesday newsletter is all about how we build longer tables rather than higher fences. Each week I focus on an area to promote inclusivity, challenge unhelpful ways of thinking, and more. Today, I’m advocating for moms — but if you aren’t one, this letter still applies to you, so please stick around and read to the end!
We moved to Los Angeles when Shia was about four months old. I was a first-time baby parent who felt completely consumed by his needs. Because I love what I do, but am not making six-figures, finding childcare that was affordable and made sense for our family was a challenge. (Spoiler alert: we ended up finding a place, but took a lot longer than I had anticipated.)
One evening in the beginning of our L.A. life, E and I were invited to a social event in the neighborhood. We went, and I returned home in tears over feeling so unseen.
“No one sees me. They just see the mom with a baby on her hip. You know, not one person asked me what I do for a living? Or really anything about me at all! They just assumed I’m a full-time mom and that’s it. But there’s so much more to me than this. I hate it here…” I shared in frustration and defeat.
Thankfully, things did get better eventually. But it took a lot of time and intentionality on my part.
For starters, I needed a mom friend.
We had some instant connections when we moved here (like us, they moved from Chicago) and I’m so grateful for them, but what I craved was a friend who was in the same phase of life.
I’ll never forget a particular day when I still didn’t have childcare and felt so overwhelmed from multitasking work and caring for Shia. I put him in the stroller and walked to my favorite coffee shop, Stereoscope. On the way there, I prayed a nonverbal plea to God.
Send me a mom friend. I need someone who is IN the thick of this stage like me. Please.
As I waited in line to order my iced mocha, a woman approached me from a table nearby. I remember thinking, “Wow she’s stylish” and noticing a laptop open at her seat. She asked, “How old is your son? He’s so cute!” I shared his age and much to my surprise, she replied that she had a daughter just two months younger. This began a brief exchange about how she worked full-time so her daughter was with their nanny, and how she lived right here in the neighborhood too. It ended with her asking for my number and suggesting we get together sometime.
On my walk home, an iMessage appeared: It’s Annie (mom) from Stereoscope. Let’s get together sometime!
(Maybe God was a good listener after all.)
Fast forward several months—we were getting together multiple times per week most weeks. She was a natural connection even outside of our obvious common ground.
Roughly six months into our friendship, she and her husband came to my book launch party, and for the first time I heard the tale of how she and I met from his perspective. According to him, it was totally out of character for her to approach a complete stranger like she had, but she was proud of herself for pursuing a potential mom friend. Little did she know I had *literally* prayed for that minutes before our encounter.
It was a full circle moment of confirmation: God saw me and provided. This was no coincidence.
I also needed to learn the art of asking and receiving support.
Making mom friends has been a huge gift, but I also needed to stop trying to do everything myself. What was I trying to prove? Why not invite ease when it’s within reach? Once I started asking and receiving help, life became so much lighter and more fulfilling.
I’ve asked a neighbor friend to take Shia for a stroller walk so I could get a 30-minute meeting in. I’ve accepted the offer of a friend to bring dinner or drop off a gallon of milk on their drive home from work. I’ve answered, “Do you need any help while E is out of town?” honestly instead of saying, “I should be alright!” which is the response that causes me the least discomfort, but provides no relief.
And here’s the thing…
I still needed my friends who aren’t moms.
Just because I craved and desperately longed for solidarity in relationship doesn’t mean that any of my friends who weren’t moms were less valuable to me. I still needed friendship in all forms.
One way my childless friends are extra special to me is how their life doesn’t revolve around diaper changes and wake windows, so naturally they keep my world from being consumed by motherhood. Our conversations keep me seeing a bigger picture. Spending time with them reminds me that there's more to my identity than my role of caring for a small human.
Ironically (or not?), when I think of the people who pour into my family the most, the first few who come to mind are single and/or childless. They have a unique ability to invest in our family because, unlike my friends with kids, their capacity is greater. When the day is done, they go home to a house where they can turn “off” in a way parents simply cannot. Aside from just being incredible people, these are some reasons I believe they show up well time and time again.
The bottom line remains…
We need each other.
Five reflection questions for you to consider:
Have you secluded yourself to only spending time with people who are in the same stage of life as you or could you intentionally seek out a friendship that’s different from any that you currently have? Think: What type of friendship am I missing? What do I long for?
What do you think you bring to the table in friendship, regardless of whether or not you’re a parent? i.e. I’m the planner! I get us together and take care of all the details. or I’m the fun one! I bring the lighthearted banter and laughs. or I’m the listener! I ask deep questions and make people feel heard.
Is there something you wish your friends knew about you in this season of life? And what’s holding you back from sharing it with them? i.e. I’d love to celebrate my promotion in the same way we would celebrate you being pregnant. or I am really overwhelmed from 4pm-7pm and some nights it would be so nice to just have someone play with my kids while I get them fed, bathed, and ready for bed.
Do you have capacity to show up in one of your friendships more intentionally? What’s stopping you from doing so? i.e. Perhaps I could be a bigger support to my friend who seems distant but is probably just adjusting to life with a baby. Maybe I can schedule a kid-free hangout with this one friend each month so we get more quality time together like we used to!
Have you expressed appreciation for those who show up well in your life? Are you reciprocating for them or could you do a better job of that? Send the text, make the call, initiate. There’s no better time than right now.
Love & a warm bowl of ramen on this rainy evening,
Manda
Yes love this. I have prayed for mom friends in the same season of life but realize I have them but need to pursue them! My friends in other seasons are amazing!