Happy Tuesday, friend!
I had one of those days that ended up being more full than I anticipated, so I’m sending this off now that Shia’s asleep and before I dive into another episode of Succession with E.
It’s an exciting week for our family as we shared the news of our baby girl coming in September!
I care deeply about living an intentional life. (Maybe even to a fault at times.) Deciding when and how to share the news that I’m expecting again was no exception.
I am keenly aware of many women who are in the middle of fertility struggles and loss, so it’s not lost on me that an announcement like mine can be a painful reminder of what was or perhaps what has been longed for and prayed about for a very long time. If that’s you in some way, I’d love to be praying for you. I’m always on the other side of these emails, so hit reply if you want to share your story or simply say your name and how I can be praying for you specifically.
Past experience is an amazing teacher if we pay attention and learn from it. In my last pregnancy, I allowed strangers in early. Unfortunately, the comments and private messages about my body changing, horrible birth stories, and constant “concern” from followers caused me a great deal of anxiety and body dysmorphia.
For both those reasons – consideration of people I love who are longing for a child and to decrease the amount of unsolicited comments from strangers about my evolving body – we waited until we had our 20 week anatomy scan to share the news.
Waiting proved to be more challenging than I thought it would be in some ways: not being able to share how depressed I felt and how sick I was for the first three months of the year, hiding a growing belly, and feeling like I couldn’t show up as my full authentic self. In the same breath, I enjoyed having a small part of my life remaining completely private more than I thought I would.
What I know for sure is that I made the best decision and I would do it all over again the same way.
It may seem like a small thing–waiting an extra two months to share the news of a pregnancy– but it’s just a tiny example of how a seemingly minuscule decision holds great weight. And it’s true for a lot more than just this.
Every decision we make holds weight and has the power to impact lives for better or worse.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about making healthy decisions for myself, without the pressure or influence of other people, it’s that I have to pursue stillness and discernment.
Whenever you’re faced with a decision, whether it be related to your work, a relationship, or something less significant, such as what sounds good for dinner, it’s easy to do whatever you’ve done in the past. Habits are hardwired in us, and living on autopilot happens more often than we probably even notice. But, there’s a way to correct it!
We can become so present in our lives that we become intentional with every decision we make. Even the ones we think don’t really matter. Because don’t they all matter? Aren’t our lives the sum of decisions we make on a daily, perhaps even hourly, basis?
We do not have to conform to the cultural or societal norms. We don’t have to do what our best friend or that person we follow on the internet does. We are more than capable of doing what’s best for ourselves. And the best part is the confidence that comes when we do just that!
The art of discernment isn’t something to be picked up overnight.
I think it’s a lot like learning to play an instrument or speak a new language. It takes courage, commitment, and practice.
We have to be still. But before we can be still, we need to slow down.* Habitual decision making or succumbing to peer pressure happens most when we are hasty and busy.
*if you need a lot of help slowing your pace of life, check out Space
Once we are still, we can discern. If you’re picturing a fancy or “kumbaya” candle-lit practice, think again. Discernment, by definition, is simply the ability to judge well. And it can happen anywhere, no matter the ambiance. (Yes, even with a minivan full of cranky children.) The only prerequisite is stillness. It’s in this space that we can cut through the noise and “should’s” and comparison, which often leads us to make decisions that are not our best because they aren’t really for us, they’re to please someone else.
In my discernment process, I try to do the following things:
Become aware. Open my heart to the possibility of multiple paths or outcomes – including one that might be a bummer for me in some way
Take ownership. Listen to what it is I truly want – not what I think I’m supposed to want or what someone else wants for me
Transform. This is where I take action in a way that I know is best even if it’s against the grain or my own habitual ways of being
This process has become such a big part of my life that it’s the very framework I used to write Soul Care to Save Your Life.
In our pursuit of building longer tables, we can’t look past our inner work —they’re impossible to separate.
If you found this helpful, in some way, share it with someone you love.
Wishing I could share a slice of my yummy healthy banana bread with you,
Manda
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There’s a new episode on A Longer Table Podcast every Wednesday. Recent conversations are about special needs parenting, courage, preventing unwanted pregnancies, and more!
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