It’s exhausting. It’s too expensive. We don’t have time. I don’t know who to invite. It will be stressful. My house is a mess. I can’t cook. No one will want to come. I’m not sure what we’d talk about.
These are the top nine reasons people shared when I asked why they don’t invite people into their space. It’s not that they don’t want to host. Rather, their fears and concerns are what holds them back. If this describes you, keep reading. :-)
I reached out to four of the best hosts I know (in real life, not just on the ‘gram) and asked for their best tips!
Here’s what each of them shared:
Single Guy Host: Jason Adam Miller
J is one of my best friends; more like the big brother I never had but always wanted. Here’s what he has to say about hosting:
A few years ago I was at my favorite coffee shop in Nashville. Or rather, it was my favorite shop until that day.
I was there to pick up drinks for a few friends, and one of them had asked for an americano, which is just espresso and hot water. I ordered the drinks, watched the cashier walk over to the barista to give him the order, and saw a small fight breakout between them. Then I overheard the barista: “We DON’T DO americanos.”
I was so confused. They had the espresso. They had the hot water. But they refused to put them together. Apparently at this coffee shop, they considered an americano to be an abuse of their precious, bougie, overpriced espresso.
I learned a lot about hosting that day by seeing it done so poorly. And if I’m being honest, I felt a little convicted.
I love food and drink and well designed environments. But if I’m not careful, I can forget that all that stuff doesn’t matter unless it serves the people who show up. This is the principle I want to offer before I share a few tips: hosting isn’t about impressing people with your craft or padding your ego. It’s about creating a joyful, beautiful space where people can feel safe and seen. It’s about using whatever space you’re in charge of — whether it’s your home or a workplace or a church — for people to be cared for. With that in mind, here are a few things I always try to do:
1. Whether you’re cooking or ordering carry-out, pick a menu that will leave you unstressed. Nobody cares that the food is impressive if the host is stressed out and distracted. (If you want to do carry-out but still want it to feel elevated, you can always repackage the food on real serving dishes. As long as the food tastes good, no one cares that it’s carry out.)
2. Always have some interesting non-alcoholic options for drinks. Whether someone’s in recovery or simply trying to drink less, they shouldn’t feel like a second-class citizen drinking tap water in a plastic cup while everyone else swoons over the Spanish red you’ve served in stemmed glasses.
3. Get ready to get interested in other people. If you’re hosting a group and someone’s quiet, find some gentle questions to pull them into the convo. They may just need reminded that they’re as interesting as everyone else at the party. (This is easier if you remember that the goal of hosting isn’t for people to be impressed with you. It’s for them to feel safe and seen.)
I’m not saying it’s wrong or bad to do something impressive when hosting. Go ahead and smoke a killer brisket or make the perfect martini. Sometimes a big show can be a lot of fun for everyone. What I’m saying is it’s about the motivation. If you open your home to feed your ego, no one’s going to have that much fun (including you). We’ll all feel like we’re at Michael and Jan’s dinner party in the The Office. But if you remember that it’s about the joy of being together and making space for people to connect, everyone — including you — will be nourished by the experience, regardless of what you’re serving.
Mom with Littles Host: Becca Grabner
Becca has a toddler and a baby, but doesn’t let it stop her from gathering people in her home. Here are three of her best tips:
Start with Intention
Before you plan a single thing, begin by asking yourself why you are hosting. What type of a moment are you hoping to create? Be specific. When you start the process zeroed in on your purpose, you have a lens through which you make each decision—from the guest list to the menu and beyond. Intention will naturally be infused in every bit of your event. [For more on this, I highly recommend Priya Parker’s book The Art of Gathering, which has been a wellspring of inspiration for me!]
Keep the Meal Manageable
Not all of us are chefs, but that shouldn’t prohibit us from hosting and hosting well! Figure out what’s manageable for you based on the time and skills that you have. Consider a mix of homemade and store bought dishes – or even just pick up the entire meal from your favorite local restaurant. Having a host who is relaxed and enjoying themselves is far more important to guests than a fancy homemade menu. I often opt for charcuterie when I host—everything is store bought but looks beautiful when arranged on a wooden board.
Add a Little Something Extra
I am a big believer in going above and beyond for guests. That extra bit of thoughtfulness goes a long way in making people feel loved, and isn’t that the main reason we gather to begin with? It doesn’t have to cost a lot to add that little bit of magic [a curated playlist of songs tied to memories with your guests, a slideshow of old photos playing in the background, naming the cocktail you serve after an inside joke], but it’s sure to make your event even more memorable!
Intentional Host: Aimée Mazzenga
I’ve gleaned so much about hosting from my friend Aimée and her husband Jonny than anyone else. Not because I’ve explicitly asked questions, rather because it’s true of all things we learn: more is caught than taught. She says:
Hosting is about people — welcoming people you love into your home and making them feel comfortable. The spirit of hosting is best captured in a quote by Ina Garten: “I love you, come for dinner.” That is what hosting is all about. It’s not about being perfect cook or having a clean home. Remember your why. Answer the door with drinks in hand and a smile… bring that energy. Connection matters over anything. Play to your strengths. Don’t be someone you’re not. You’re not your mom, so you don’t have to do things like she did. You’re you! Show up with joy and those you invite in will feel it!
Happy Host: Cindy Carpenter
My mother-in-law LIVES for having her family all together under one roof. She’s the queen of large gatherings and somehow manages to provide hot food while still engaging in meaningful conversation. She offered three thoughts:
Know your guests. What do they like to eat? What do their kids like to eat? What activities do they like to do? This way you can prepare and have things on hand.
Prepare food & space ahead of time! You can enjoy your guests more if you’re not having to worry about chopping veggies and rushing to the store for something you forgot. In the same way, organize your home and store any clutter or things that could break. You’ll be more at ease.
Embrace the mess. Stressing about clutter and crumbs is a waste. Enjoy the chaos — you can enjoy the peace and quiet later.
Listening to each of their perspectives and tips reminds me…
It doesn’t matter if you have beautiful matching plates or if you use disposable ones. It doesn’t matter if you can’t cook or make the perfect Charcuterie board. Nothing matters more than the heart behind hosting: make people feel welcome and seen.
Bonus tips from yours truly:
When someone asks “What can we bring?” take them up on it. Say, “A salad would be great!” or “Any dessert would be lovely!”
If your home is a mess and you’re hosting on a whim, focus on what you can clean in 5 minutes that matters most: the bathroom!
Put music on in the background to set the mood. E makes playlists you can use, like this one.
One of my favorite go-to questions to draw people out of their shell or eliminate awkwardness is: What’s saving your life these days? or What’s a dream day look like in this phase of your life?
Building longer tables requires invitation. Go first.
Manda