The Power of Saying Yes
There's no such thing as longer tables without a little bit of risk.
I know the trendy thing is to say no. We are reminded of this around every corner on the internet: Maintain boundaries! Prioritize yourself! No is a complete sentence! And while I don’t entirely disagree, it’s never felt authentic for me to say “no” without offering something to pair with it.
In 2017 I experienced major burnout from saying yes too much. I’m not negating the need for a no (even a firm one) at times. I wrote lots about saying no and quitting things in my first book Space. However, it feels awkward to respond to invitational texts from friends with one word: “No.” And it wouldn’t be possible for me to maintain a positive relationship with my family if I said “No.” in response to their loving requests. So, I developed a No Speech to help myself and others with a similar disposition. A No Speech goes something like this:
I’d love to, but when I say yes and fill my schedule to the brim I’m ultimately saying no to my needs or the needs of my family. In an effort to balance my time and energy better, I won’t be able to attend this time. Please understand my heart. It’s not personal. I’m protecting my space for the wellbeing of my soul. Thank you for asking, and as always, I love you!
The practice of saying no and the art of finding ways to say it confidently in my own voice have been vital to my growth. It provided space I desperately needed, which everyone I came in contact with also benefited from.
Longer table living requires both noes and yeses. It calls for greater discernment and a willingness for risk.
On November 22, 2022 I received a text message.
It was from a woman who was in a small group I led for college-aged gals over five years ago. It read: “I’m following this mom on Instagram who is fighting cancer. Her treatments are in California. Thought I’d pass along for her in case you know someone.” Below it were two screenshot photos of this woman’s Insta-story, which asked if anyone lived in Los Angeles and was willing to house swap for a month or so.
I went to her Instagram page for myself, and then shot her a quick DM:
From there we exchanged numbers and began texting. We confirmed that her family would stay in our home and use our vehicle while we were out of town. She expressed gratitude repeatedly and I assured her that it was our pleasure. After all, this didn’t cost us anything. It didn’t inconvenience us in any way. This wasn’t generosity — it was common sense. Heck, our son’s fish (affectionately named Gabe from The Office) would be able to get fed this way. Who’s doing who a favor now?
We were already planning to be in Indiana with our extended family from December 18 until January 4th, so the only thing we decided to do that we weren’t planning on doing prior to this arrangement was put up our Christmas tree. Easy!
One week later she was on a plane from Chicago to Los Angeles for her routine cancer treatment, so I invited her to come over while she was in town. She came over and it felt more like a reunion than a first date. Not even a touch of awkward; totally casual and fluid.
After touring our humble apartment (that I swore would be clean by the time her family came to stay in it!), we walked to the coffee shop just around the corner. A beloved spot for lattes also serves up the most delicious sweet potato fries and some kind of magic called ‘Mango Pesto Rice,’ so now I have to stop myself from going there every single day for lunch. Conversation was easy. In some strange, miraculous way, it felt like I was getting to know an old friend.
I handed her one set of our keys and we hugged goodbye. We exchanged a few texts during our time away while they stayed in our apartment. This one was quite embarrassing:
Our table grew longer when a woman, her husband and their three daughters took their seats. Their table is now longer because me, E, and Shia don’t leave people alone once they’re a part of our lives. ;-)
One could argue this was all a result of pursuit on my end, but nonetheless it was a series of yeses, and it was risky. It was a yes to not ignore the nudge in my gut when I received the text message from my former small group gal. A yes to reaching out and letting a complete stranger know that our home was available free of charge. And a yes to coordinate with her on the details to make it happen.
Talking to strangers always comes with a bit of risk.
Will they be weird? Will they get clingy? Am I going to regret this?
Inviting strangers into your home comes with even more risk. Are they who they say they are? Will they go through my drawers? (Please, God, don’t let them find anything embarrassing!) Is something going to break or get stolen?
I can’t offer ways to eliminate risk. It’s not possible. Yeses, invitations, and inclusivity don’t exist without it.
I could focus on sharing ways to decrease risk, which involves using your brain, the internet (I did some stalking to see who this woman was before sending that initial DM), and discernment (aka: God-given intuition). But I don’t want to convince you that a calculated risk is the only risk worth your yes. A lot of less safe, less comfortable, less convenient, less easy, less organic, less ‘whatever-we-crave’ risks will be worth your yes.
The only way to find out is to gamble in favor of people.
This is the power of saying yes— and it’s one way we build longer tables.
Reflect: Who, or what, needs you to say yes? What’s the risk, and are you willing to take it?
Major Podcast News
A Longer Table Podcast releases a new episode every Wednesday! Have you subscribed? I’m thrilled and honored to share that ALTP is now sponsored by ABLE. When you shop, use code ALONGERTABLE15 for a 15% discount!
Episode 111: How Can I Live a Drama-Free Life? releases tomorrow (Jan 11) is with Nedra Tawwab. Subscribe to the show on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Upcoming Soul Care Retreat
You’re invited! The weekend of February 10-12 I’m hosting an all-inclusive two night Soul Care Retreat in Santa Barbara, California. I would love to meet you and care for you up close in real life.
The Calendar I’m Geeking Out Over
If you watch my stories on Instagram, you saw that I shared The Essential Calendar, which I’m geeking out over for mainly two reasons. 1) It’s a three-month view (at a time) which helps me notice how full life is getting and allows us to better plan. 2) It hangs in our home so everyone can see it, which means I’m not carrying the burden of reminding my husband what we have next weekend or about my upcoming travels for the sixth time, etc.
There has been so much chatter recently on saying "no" (and it is definetly important to not overcommit, maintain boundaries, etc.) but i love your thoughtful approach of a "no-speech" and wise words "Longer table living requires both noes and yeses. It calls for greater discernment and a willingness for risk." I loved reading your words and this story, thank you!