We can't fix everything, but we can fix dinner.
& 9 more ways to show up for people in hard times.
When my friend lost her child, my “thoughts & prayers” weren’t enough.
When other friends of ours got divorced, sending a “good vibes” text fell flat.
When we navigated our first loss as foster parents, the grief was unexplainable. I remember thinking, “I know we signed up for this, but it hurts like hell.”
The more you embody Longer Table Living, the more you’ll encounter loss and grief. It sucks, but you don’t gain the joy and highs of building a longer table without also receiving the aches and lows. Whether it be a death, divorce, diagnosis or something entirely different…heartbreak and hard circumstances are an inevitable part of life.
The question is not will we show up, but how?
I once heard a woman say, “We can’t fix everything… but we can fix dinner.” and it stuck with me.
Here are 10 ways to show up for someone who’s going through something:
Send dinner. Home-cooked, store-bought, take-out — doesn’t matter. Just take it over or have it delivered. Offload the burden of “What’s for dinner?” for a night.
Offer to do a specific household chore. Ask if you can come over on Sunday between 1pm-4pm to clean up the house. Don’t say “Let me know if there’s anything I can do!” because no one actually replies to those texts saying, “Yeah, I’m buried in laundry and dirty dishes.”
Acknowledge their pain and reality. Don’t avoid the subject. Say, “I’m so sorry this happened.” and “I am here for you.”
Babysit. Some people like the idea of having you pick up their kids (or dog) and going to the park for an hour. Other people will prefer you come over to play with them in the house. Be flexible and cater to their preferences when possible.
Invite them. Even though they may decline (repeatedly), invite them to come for Girls Night Out drinks. Invite them to book club or Bible study. Invite them so that they know they aren’t forgotten and can join if/when they’re ready.
Sit with them in silence. They may not want get dolled up and meet for dinner. Heck, they may not want to talk at all. Can you be the kind of friend who says, “I’d love to bring Ben & Jerry’s over and watch a movie in silence with you. We don’t even have to talk. Would that bring you some comfort tonight?”
Honor their loss. A piece of jewelry with initials engraved, a photo book, seeds to plant a tree in someone’s memory, etc. All of these things are a beautiful way to honor their loss.
Rally others. Can you coordinate a meal train or something with the help of others to tangibly come alongside a person or family in need? Reach out to their other friends and come together for their benefit.
Get intentional. Know their favorite flowers? Leave it on the porch. Remember that one time they said that place was on their bucket list? Look into booking the trip. Loving others isn’t one-size-fits-all — aim to be intentional in the way you love and care for them in both good and bad times.
Continue checking in when the majority of other people stop. This one is a really big deal. Long after the initial wave of support has fizzled out, are you there? Write down the anniversary and other important dates. Continue showing up and checking in. Grief, unfortunately, does not have an expiration date.
Maybe these ideas feel like a lot to you. Perhaps it makes you a little uncomfortable even. I get it; less than a decade ago I felt the same way. I thought I was a burden and certainly never wanted to impose on anyone.
But then God put people in my path who showed me a new way of living — one that was communal, sacred, and holy. Because of them, I have not only learned to let people in far more deeply, but I reciprocate by leaning in to the point where it feels vulnerable. It’s changed my life for the better and you’ll only be convinced if you take the risk yourself.
What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds.
—James 2:14-18 (NIV)
Think of one person in you know who is going through something tough and choose one of the 10 options above to be the hands and feet of Jesus today.
Love & a delicious poke bowl for lunch,
Manda
PS. Comment below. Which of these have you been on the receiving end of? Which of these can you do for someone today?
What a great quote and incredibly useful list ❤️ thank you for sharing! We’ve only recently been on the receiving end of food for big and little reasons (new baby or everyone sick), and it really does make an impact. I imagine even more so in seasons of loss.