What is happiness, really?
Reflecting on desires and one lie that stole happy from me for far too long.
I recently posted that I’m happy. Really, truly, deeply happy. And I’ve been reflecting: why now?
For years, one limiting and false belief robbed me of my happiness and inner peace. Maybe you can relate?
“I’ll be happy when ____.”
I’ve filled in the blank one hundred different ways throughout the years:
I’ll be happy when___
… we own a house.
… I publish a bestseller.
… we have X amount of money in the bank.
… I am a certain size.
… we’re in an ideal fostering situation.
… I live near all of my favorite people.
… we get a dog.
… I have your approval.
… E and I no longer share a bathroom sink or a vehicle.
etc. etc. etc.
None of these are bad things. Having desires is a beautiful, natural part of what it means to be human. However, the belief that happiness depends on any tangible thing or perfect outcome is a lie.
The reality is:
We rent an apartment because we cannot afford to own a house in LA. Does my happiness really depend on this OR have I allowed other people’s beautiful homes on Instagram to distract me from what we do have — a lovely roof over our heads with tons of rich memories.
My book did not sell nearly what was anticipated. I may never have a bestselling book. I once heard someone say that you have to love the effort divorced from the result, and boy did that stick with me.
E and I are both about to be fully self-employed, which terrifies me financially. We don’t know exactly how things will play out (they could surprise us in the best way), but we are confident that doing what we love is more important than collecting a paycheck at the expense of our souls and wellbeing.
I will never wear the size I wore pre-Shia. Fact. And this one no longer gets to me. Maybe it’s being in my thirties, but I’m so thankful I no longer believe that being a certain size is what makes a person happy.
Fostering is messy and there’s nothing ideal about it. I won’t be happy when we’re in an ideal fostering situation because *spoiler alert* it doesn’t exist.
As much as I love LA, we are far from family and the majority of our favorite people. I could spend my life moving to live near the people I love, but the reality is there is no guarantee they are going to stay put. Our happiness can’t depend on circumstances that are always changing.
I’m still so eager for the day we have space to get a pup (preferably a big Bernese Mountain Dog). But I know that getting a dog isn’t what makes a person happy. In fact, it will come likely with a lot of chewed up shoes, vet bills, slobber and hair. It’s easy to overly romanticize what we think would make us happy.
I’ve realized the approval of other people is a ridiculous and impossible thing to aim for. Oh, if ONLY I could get back the hours I used to spend worrying about and trying to get someone to like me or view me in a good light…
E and I are no where near the point of being able to have our own bathroom sinks or a second vehicle. And I’m not sure we really *need* these things. Again, is the show-everything nature of Instagram distorting my perception and causing me to feel less than simply because we live a more humble life than some?
None of those things hinder my happiness. And I think it’s because the older version of myself defined happiness a lot differently than I do today
Happiness isn’t having everything you’ve ever wanted and no troubles in the world.
Happiness is spending the day with someone you don’t have to filter a single word. It’s the sound of giggles coming from the nursery. It’s feeling secure and safe in relationships. It’s trusting your partner. It’s enjoying the work you do and remembering your why. It’s building a life with rhythms that help you show up well. It’s not all about you; it’s loving other people — right here, right now. It might require eating packets of ramen noodles for dinner when things are tight, but it isn’t eating alone. It might require renting instead of buying, but your dreams aren’t dying. It will bring out creativity in you, if you let it. It will teach you that nothing outside of you has power over you. It will free you. And you may appear to have less or be lacking, but perception is not always reality. And you will know the abundant life you have and be endlessly grateful. Happy is this.
A whole lot simpler and more attainable than we often realize.
Love & salty fries dipped in cheese,
Manda
PS. What does happiness mean to you? How have your views on it changed over the years? Does longer table living bring it all into perspective for you?
PPS. If you feel this deep in your bones like me, here’s a simple graphic to make it easy to share if you wish…