When You Want to Foster, But Can't Right Now
& a single question that will motivate you to build longer tables every single day
Over the weekend E and I received a call for a new teen in need of a temporary loving, safe home. In full transparency, we are discerning whether or not this is a good time for us to add another person to our household. Our hearts want nothing more than to say yes, but logistically there’s a lot we need to figure out before we commit.
I hear lots of other foster parents say things like, “There will never be a good time to add to your family!” or “If not us, then who?” I used to think this way too. But we’ve learned so much throughout our foster parenting journey.
Three big lessons:
It’s better to say no upfront than to say yes out of guilt and not be emotionally available to the child —or worse, have them feel like they are a burden and inconvenience.
There will never be a convenient or perfect time to transition a foster child into your care, but there are absolutely times where it makes more sense and you feel equipped and prepared.
You can make just as big of a positive impact on the world regardless of your ability (or willingness/desire) to house another human being.
I don’t know if we’ll say yes to this specific case or not. I’ll provide the details of our conundrum because context matters and hopefully this will be helpful insight to those considering fostering someday…
We currently live in an apartment with no extra bedrooms and only have one vehicle. A child can only share a bedroom with Shia if they are under 7 years of age. If they are over 7 years of age, they have to be in their own room. (Even if this weren’t a legal rule, it would probably be our own because we do not ever want to put our son at risk.) The only “extra” bedroom we have is currently E’s music studio that he works in all day everyday with clients.
So, he’s looking to rent a separate space. But that space can’t be too far from Shia’s daycare because we only have one vehicle and he would have to do both drop-off and pick-up, which are not flexible times. Do you see how things start to get complicated?
Are we willing to overhaul our lives and get creative in making this happen? Yes. For us, this is really not a matter of willingness. We are actively trying to find a way to make our situation work to house this teen. It’s just we’re on a time crunch and I’m not sure we’ll be able to do it. We could “hold out” for a toddler who could share a room with Shia, but we have a heart for older kids and know they are the greatest need in LA County by far.
I’ll keep you posted on how this one plays out. Regardless of whether she ends up moving in with us or not, I’ve always said that you don’t have to foster to make a difference and I stand by it. Probably not what you expected to hear from me at the start of Foster Care Awareness Month, but it needs to be said because not everyone can/wants/should be a foster parent. :-)
Instead of offering a list of ways to get involved in the child welfare system without being a foster parent (because I’ve done that 100 times before; see my IG story highlights ‘foster care’ & ‘fc awareness’), I want to offer a single reflection question…
How can you make someone else’s life marginally easier and better?
If we answer this question not with words, but through our actions in the ordinary lives we already live, we are living a longer table lifestyle.
Is it an introduction to a friend? Passing a resume onto your HR for someone in need of a job? Offering a listening ear? Sacrificing a few hours to help with a specific task? Giving someone a ride? inviting someone to join you for dinner?
It can be anything really. It’s quite simple: wherever you have influence, leverage it well. Wherever you have abundance, share it.
Don’t let the person you follow on Instagram or a pastor or anyone make you feel inferior, as if your efforts aren’t enough. Don’t feel like you have to prove yourself or that it doesn’t count because it goes unseen or without thanks or “likes.” Just do it, and do it with a pure and cheerful spirit. That’s all that matters. It’s all that ever mattered to God.
Wishing I could deliver a Tupperware of these cookies at your door.
Love,
Manda (who is very much on a baking kick!)
SIX THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS:
We launched the new Get Too Attached crewnecks! Accepting orders till May 12.
We’re offering 3 great colors! ABLE’s Mother’s Day Sale ends May 8th. Use code BONUSMOM25 for 25% off.
I planned another month of dinners for you.
There’s a new episode on A Longer Table Podcast every Wednesday.
If you want to detach from your phone more, check out Aro, which is what our family loves. Code MANDA for one month free.
EVERYTHING you need to consider before becoming a foster parent (and then some!) is in my new guide Foster Well, an 80-page download that I created for individuals and couples who are thinking about becoming foster parents.
