"You've got a full time job worrying about yourself."
...one thing mama always said that turned out to be true.
In 1998, I was in elementary school wearing butterfly clips of every color in my hair and Limited Too bell-bottom jeans. I’d invite my neighbor friends over after school. Moriah, Sarah, Kelsey, or the twins: Maddi & Mikki. We ate vanilla pudding and jumped on the trampoline. We played “school” or “house” and had a blast. As we grew older though, our hangouts became less imaginative and more conversational.
We weren’t mean girls (at least, that’s not my recollection) but practicing cartwheels and back-handsprings in the backyard turned into a vote of who was prettier than *name of someone not there* or hearsay of what happened at so-and-so’s sleepover last weekend.
Whenever my mom overheard any type of gossip, she barged in and simply looked me in the eyes and said, “Amanda Sue, you have a full time job worrying about yourself.” Then she’d go back to whatever she was doing. She never wanted to embarrass me or make any of my friends feel shame, so this was her way of gently nudging us to find something different to talk about. Different than another human being.
Now as a 30-something-year-old woman, I still hear my mom’s voice saying, “You’ve got a full time job worrying about yourself” whenever a conversation turns into gossip. And I’m thankful for it. She was right.
I have a full time job worrying about myself.
Who knew that when I was 23 years old I’d marry the love of my life and then nearly sabotage it due to an emotional affair turned physical with another man?
Who knew that when I was 25 years old I’d want to end my life and went as far as creating a thorough plan?
Who knew that when I was 27 years old I’d be fostering and endure trauma so extreme I’d become physically ill?
Who knew that when I was 28 years old I’d have a friendship end seemingly overnight that would leave me reeling with questions, doubts, and insecurities?
I could go on and on with other examples of life altering moments; good and bad. No one could’ve predicted any of it — certainly not me. But in a sense, my mom did. She didn’t know the specifics, but she knew that I had no business talking about someone else behind their back, judging them or thinking I was better than them. She knew that life was going to throw a few curveballs and that I had my hands full worrying about myself.
But isn’t this selfish? To only be focused on ourselves.
A favorite argument among Christians is what’s selfish vs. selfless. I’m not interested in having a debate, but what I will say is that repeatedly in scripture we find evidence that God cares less about our behavior and more about the condition of our heart and soul.
From the outside, you could be the “best person ever.” Always giving, serving, and doing good things. But you could be rotting away on the inside from bitterness, envy, resentment and more.
I know that focusing attention on yourself might seem self-absorbed, but I’ve found it has such a ripple effect on everyone you come into contact with. It’s a less-obvious, but extremely important piece to following the commandment: love your neighbor.
Who are we to lead others if we aren’t leading ourselves?
When I think about Longer Table Living, I realize how it’s often so “others focused,” which feels good. Yet, even in our beautiful pursuits of building longer tables we can miss the mark on loving people well if we have not questioned our motives and faced our own shadows.
Not doing our inner work and “worrying about ourselves” is the fastest way to become a Savior who repulses people. (I say this with compassion. I’ve been that person.)
What I’ve learned is that I cannot love you well if I don’t love myself well. I cannot hold space for you if I have not held space for myself. I cannot pray with or for you if I am not praying when I’m by myself. Sure, I can do these things - as in I am capable - but they won’t be done with a sincere and healthy heart.
The invitation is to check in with yourself…
Today I invite you to look inward. Take a few minutes to worry about yourself. Not the need that’s pinging your iPhone or the concern of another person that’s weighing on your chest. Worry about you for a moment.
How are you getting your needs met?
Are you sacrificing yourself in every direction to please or serve others?
What is this costing you?
What are you afraid will happen if you say no or put your needs first this time?
Do you believe you are more than the sum of your accomplishments and good deeds? Do you actually believe you are worthy without any of it?
These are just a few questions to get you pondering. My hope is that you will pursue a life where you are others focused, but you won’t do it at the expense of yourself.
May you always lead yourself before leading anyone else.
Practicing this alongside you,
Manda
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I sat down the other day and planned out every meal my family will eat in the month of March. (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT’S MARCH TOMORROW???)
I’m sharing it with you in case it’s helpful! There’s a variety of recipes & each one is clickable:
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